I will be his only constant.

Today I basically crashed.

I've been overwhelmed for the last couple of weeks but the perfect stormed hit today. (Luke's been sick, Blanche's passing, Graham's sick, and transitions.) I've felt like I've done really good the last 6 months or so at staying calm and happy and content with things, but change ironically changes all of that.

Lets rewind to about a month ago when we found out Luke got the ATA grant.  This means all of ABA expenses would now be covered until next June.  So exciting for us.  That's over $1000 a month in therapy expenses.  Huge relief.  But this also sparked change.

Luke has been doing so well lately.  He is cruising through therapy.  Church has been going a lot better.  He's making friends and being so social and wanting to interact with those around him.  He's curious and smart.  He has now become the peer model in preschool at Bridges, which is great, but not where I want him.  He needs to be pushed.  He needs to mimic his "neuro-typical" peers.  So of course I got to work.

I started calling around to different preschools at the worst possible time, two weeks after starting classes for the fall.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but like always something worked out.  Kids Village called me back and said they would work with us.  Miss Kathy, the director, has an autistic boy (now 22) and knows how crucial this time can be.  So we are running with it.  I can't believe it.  Luke is enrolled in a "normal" preschool.  He's enrolled a whole year before we thought this was even a possibility! Holy smokes.

But why have I been so scared?

I figured it out today.  After another assessment appointment, this time for speech therapy, and the reality of all the work we have to put in to help Luke develop like the rest of us do it hit me.  It hit me really hard.  I'm scared of my children failing.  The thought brings me to tears.

What if Luke can never handle "normal" school?
What if Luke doesn't talk like we all do?
What if Luke can't do life skills on his own like feed himself?


And I realized as I finished ANOTHER conversation with Kristyn on what the next steps are that I will be Luke's only constant on his journey through this world of therapy.  I will be the only other person that will sit through every assessment.  Every update.  Every transition.  Therapists and teachers are going to come and go.  It is really my responsibility to advocate for him.  To fight for his needs.  To balance it all out.

And........... its overwhelming.

But tomorrow I will try to wake up and get to work.  To look at just today and see what I can conquer.  To see what I can to RIGHT NOW to make sure all my children are getting what they need in their lives.  To really listen to the special gift of the Holy Ghost and my mother's gut about what untraveled path I will need to take to make sure Luke's needs are met.  It is my calling.  It is my passion.

And............ when that still feels overwhelming, I will turn to prayer.

I will turn to the Atonement and Jesus Christ who knows everything I'm feeling as a mother to very special boys with unique needs.  That I will be guided, as it is my most divine calling, to know what is best for them. To keep my eternal perspective that this what Heavenly Father knew I was meant to handle.  To keep asking "why not me?"  and to always keep in check my unconditional love for my children.